Finn is currently sitting in our favorite chair sans diaper. I am nervous. He is refusing to wear one, not that I couldn't hold him down and put one on him but we have been talking a lot about being a big boy and using the potty and though I don't think he is quite ready, I want to establish some trust between us. He says he will not pee or poop on anything but when I ask him if he will tell me when he has to pee he says no. hmmm what to do. Oh I know.. a blog entry
Today I am exhausted. I slept pretty badly I guess. My back hurts.. blah blah boo hoo
....pee on the floor. Saw that one coming. Diaper is back on. It is a slow process and we are on our way
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
It is weird isn't it?
The past couple days I have had some blah days. My life is about to change again which isn't a bad thing. I hate being stagnant. I love change.... though it can provoke a lot of anxiety and. I do feel a bit overwhelmed.
I am on the move again. Looking for a new apartment and I had no idea it would be this difficult. Did you know that people don't really put ads in the paper anymore??
I am excited for the next chapter. I am ready for it. Open arms.
Other than the move I have been struggling a bit with some things in my life... things that are kind of affecting my relationship. Having a child and being "single" is really strange. I don't know how to do it and I don't know how to have an Ex who has to be so involved. I know that from the outside my life looks strange. Even for someone who has experience with divorce with children. It isn't often that the mother and father are still amicable. I am not sure how to resolve certain things in my life yet but I at least know there are things that I need to maybe look at and see from other points of view. I don't mean to be so cryptic but I am just not ready to put it all out there for my readers to see. Just know I am a work in progress and I am still learning how to be a mother, an ex and a girlfriend.
On that note... time for a run with the beau! squuueeeel
The past couple days I have had some blah days. My life is about to change again which isn't a bad thing. I hate being stagnant. I love change.... though it can provoke a lot of anxiety and. I do feel a bit overwhelmed.
I am on the move again. Looking for a new apartment and I had no idea it would be this difficult. Did you know that people don't really put ads in the paper anymore??
I am excited for the next chapter. I am ready for it. Open arms.
Other than the move I have been struggling a bit with some things in my life... things that are kind of affecting my relationship. Having a child and being "single" is really strange. I don't know how to do it and I don't know how to have an Ex who has to be so involved. I know that from the outside my life looks strange. Even for someone who has experience with divorce with children. It isn't often that the mother and father are still amicable. I am not sure how to resolve certain things in my life yet but I at least know there are things that I need to maybe look at and see from other points of view. I don't mean to be so cryptic but I am just not ready to put it all out there for my readers to see. Just know I am a work in progress and I am still learning how to be a mother, an ex and a girlfriend.
On that note... time for a run with the beau! squuueeeel
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
out out damn spot
I saw my mother's name change colors on the board and my stomach sank. She is in the operating room and I am out here just waiting to get word it is done and all is well. It is weird having roles reversed. Notht hat she actually lets me take care of her but still... I am the one sitting in a waiting room worrying... I am used to being the patient as I have had my fair share of health problems. It is a bit surreal. I know the outcome will be fine but what do you do with yourself and your thoughts while you wait to make sure. I think that I now know what my mom felt like when she couldn't be in the room with me for certain medical procedures including the birth of my son. You feel helpless as the outsider and even though you wouldn't change anything by physically being in the room with someone you still want to be there. I have been keeping myself plenty distracted between my family members who are here and the internets and text messages. I checked out some tattoo pics online, spent more time on facebook this morning than in the last three months and snuck in some ENews daily. I love waiting rooms that have cable and people who don't care if I watch crap. It seems like an eternity since I got here this morning. It has been almost three hours but I feel like it have been a full work day. Mercy cafeteria food isn't half bad. I had a breakfast sandwich. I would say it was a step up from a gas station sandwich haha, but no where near Mr Bagel. mmmm Ok... my attention span is gone.
Monday, April 4, 2011
oh da dear
oops I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game.
I am so sorry I mislead you in thinking I would be posting often... I should have known and you should have too, that I rarely live up to my own expectations.
I have been thinking about writing a lot as of late, but it was not enough to motivate me to actually sit down at the computer. It took some prompting from my beloved Guak to get me here.
I kind of thought that one day my mom would call me with news that she had some sort of cancer. It seems to be like the common cold in my family. No matter how much you think you expect it, when it happens, you aren't ready. I played it cool. No biggie...Then went in the bathroom and wet my cheeks. I am not a crier. I mean... sure who can't get teary eyed when they are touched by something or with sad or happy news? But to full on cry is rare and even more rarely done anywhere but my bedroom. It isn't an advanced stage at all. Only stage one breast cancer and seems, fingers crossed, to be contained and fairly easy to take care of in the grand scheme of things.
I walked into Mercy Breast Care center. I was the first to arrive and felt a bit nervous, but it is pretty typical that I am the first to arrive as I get anxious about being late. I had a seat and sat as quiet as a mouse. The 1990's boombox next to me was playing country. I believe the song was called Red Neck Yacht Club. I was kind of entertained but kind of enraged at the same time. How dare they play country music at a doctor's office and not just any office, one that may have fatal consequences. I feel dance music would be more appropriate... no dogs, mothers, or children dying in those songs... unless you are listening to Eminem. The first woman who walked in was not my mother. She was exactly what everyone pictures when they think of a woman who has breast cancer. A plump face probably from steroids or other medications, no hair most likely from chemo. She was wearing a fleecey warm head wrap. She was very sweet with a good sense of humor. When the rest of my mom's entourage showed up we were all very antsy and trying to make light of the reason we were there. My mom was nervous and rightly so. She lost her mother to cancer about when she was my age. She took care of her in her last days. Fortunately there are many things different about my Nana's circumstances as she was far from a pillar of good health.
My mother has an energy of nobody else. When she walks in the room you know it, not because she is necessarily loud or attention getting but there is just something about her. She is easy to talk to, non judgmental and caring but also really fun! There are things about my mom that I will never understand and I am ok with that. I haven't always been but I think I kind of understand her reasons for secrecy. She is a protector and an amazing caregiver. Now it is my turn to be those things to her as much as she will let me.
The appointment went pretty well and we learned some useful information. My mother will not likely need chemo. She will not likely be all too sick from medications and radiation. This will be another experience and like all others we will jump, twirl and dance our way through it the best we can.
I am so sorry I mislead you in thinking I would be posting often... I should have known and you should have too, that I rarely live up to my own expectations.
I have been thinking about writing a lot as of late, but it was not enough to motivate me to actually sit down at the computer. It took some prompting from my beloved Guak to get me here.
I kind of thought that one day my mom would call me with news that she had some sort of cancer. It seems to be like the common cold in my family. No matter how much you think you expect it, when it happens, you aren't ready. I played it cool. No biggie...Then went in the bathroom and wet my cheeks. I am not a crier. I mean... sure who can't get teary eyed when they are touched by something or with sad or happy news? But to full on cry is rare and even more rarely done anywhere but my bedroom. It isn't an advanced stage at all. Only stage one breast cancer and seems, fingers crossed, to be contained and fairly easy to take care of in the grand scheme of things.
I walked into Mercy Breast Care center. I was the first to arrive and felt a bit nervous, but it is pretty typical that I am the first to arrive as I get anxious about being late. I had a seat and sat as quiet as a mouse. The 1990's boombox next to me was playing country. I believe the song was called Red Neck Yacht Club. I was kind of entertained but kind of enraged at the same time. How dare they play country music at a doctor's office and not just any office, one that may have fatal consequences. I feel dance music would be more appropriate... no dogs, mothers, or children dying in those songs... unless you are listening to Eminem. The first woman who walked in was not my mother. She was exactly what everyone pictures when they think of a woman who has breast cancer. A plump face probably from steroids or other medications, no hair most likely from chemo. She was wearing a fleecey warm head wrap. She was very sweet with a good sense of humor. When the rest of my mom's entourage showed up we were all very antsy and trying to make light of the reason we were there. My mom was nervous and rightly so. She lost her mother to cancer about when she was my age. She took care of her in her last days. Fortunately there are many things different about my Nana's circumstances as she was far from a pillar of good health.
My mother has an energy of nobody else. When she walks in the room you know it, not because she is necessarily loud or attention getting but there is just something about her. She is easy to talk to, non judgmental and caring but also really fun! There are things about my mom that I will never understand and I am ok with that. I haven't always been but I think I kind of understand her reasons for secrecy. She is a protector and an amazing caregiver. Now it is my turn to be those things to her as much as she will let me.
The appointment went pretty well and we learned some useful information. My mother will not likely need chemo. She will not likely be all too sick from medications and radiation. This will be another experience and like all others we will jump, twirl and dance our way through it the best we can.
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