oh da dear

oops I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game.

I am so sorry I mislead you in thinking I would be posting often... I should have known and you should have too, that I rarely live up to my own expectations.

I have been thinking about writing a lot as of late, but it was not enough to motivate me to actually sit down at the computer. It took some prompting from my beloved Guak to get me here.

I kind of thought that one day my mom would call me with news that she had some sort of cancer. It seems to be like the common cold in my family. No matter how much you think you expect it, when it happens, you aren't ready. I played it cool. No biggie...Then went in the bathroom and wet my cheeks. I am not a crier. I mean... sure who can't get teary eyed when they are touched by something or with sad or happy news? But to full on cry is rare and even more rarely done anywhere but my bedroom. It isn't an advanced stage at all. Only stage one breast cancer and seems, fingers crossed, to be contained and fairly easy to take care of in the grand scheme of things.

I walked into Mercy Breast Care center. I was the first to arrive and felt a bit nervous, but it is pretty typical that I am the first to arrive as I get anxious about being late. I had a seat and sat as quiet as a mouse. The 1990's boombox next to me was playing country. I believe the song was called Red Neck Yacht Club. I was kind of entertained but kind of enraged at the same time. How dare they play country music at a doctor's office and not just any office, one that may have fatal consequences. I feel dance music would be more appropriate... no dogs, mothers, or children dying in those songs... unless you are listening to Eminem. The first woman who walked in was not my mother. She was exactly what everyone pictures when they think of a woman who has breast cancer. A plump face probably from steroids or other medications, no hair most likely from chemo. She was wearing a fleecey warm head wrap. She was very sweet with a good sense of humor. When the rest of my mom's entourage showed up we were all very antsy and trying to make light of the reason we were there. My mom was nervous and rightly so. She lost her mother to cancer about when she was my age. She took care of her in her last days. Fortunately there are many things different about my Nana's circumstances as she was far from a pillar of good health.

My mother has an energy of nobody else. When she walks in the room you know it, not because she is necessarily loud or attention getting but there is just something about her. She is easy to talk to, non judgmental and caring but also really fun! There are things about my mom that I will never understand and I am ok with that. I haven't always been but I think I kind of understand her reasons for secrecy. She is a protector and an amazing caregiver. Now it is my turn to be those things to her as much as she will let me.

The appointment went pretty well and we learned some useful information. My mother will not likely need chemo. She will not likely be all too sick from medications and radiation. This will be another experience and like all others we will jump, twirl and dance our way through it the best we can.