gurgle

14 hours after lying down I am back up on my feet. It feels good. I ate some toast and drank some water and I am feeling pretty darn close to human again. Next up a shower to wash all the sweat off... damn fevers. Though they do provide some pretty messed up dreams. I can't even begin to describe what transpired in my sleep... it involved changing identities, a kid who made things out of wood, mimsie cat at a band competition and a bunch of crap that makes even less sense.

I am feeling ok about my life at the present moment. I have made some progress on money issues. Work issues.

ok.. warm shower now

I can hear mountains ring

Try to love one another right now.

I am trying to be more efficient at work which is getting in the way of me writing blogs. I don't know why. I guess my weekend with Michelle really helped me work some things out. I love being able to talk to her, she understands me most of the time and usually has some good advice. Blog readers, you are well aware I have been struggling at work. I have come up with some possible reasons why and I think even just exploring them has helped. I don't want to be bad at my job, I don't even want to be ok at my job. I know I have potential to be a great.... well... whatever it is I am doing at that time. So I guess it boils down too... why the hell wouldn't I want to be the best. I don't like people accusing me of being lazy.. I am not lazy, I just need breaks from my work and they can vary from a blog entry to staring at the wall. I still get my work done and done well. So there!

Wednesday usually means Trivia... tonight it means Zumba. I am excited to get back into it. It has been over a month since my last class and months before that since I did it regularly. I also ordered a WII game that should help. It is a Gold Gym dance workout game.

I just had a delicious chili at lunch. I should make some. I think when I get paid on Friday I will make a chili and freeze it.

xoxo

I'll light the fire

People keep asking me what is wrong at work. I don't have an answer for them. I don't know why everyday I wake up dreading having to get dressed and come in. When did I start to dislike my job? I don't think I hate my job but perhaps I am burned out? in need of change? I have worked here for 4 years next month. I just recently came back from a tropical vacation so you would think I would be more relaxed. meh

I sat in my clean apartment last night and colored. It was the first time in a long time I have been able to sit alone and color. It felt nice. I wish I took time to do that more often. It was part of my Hello Kitty Tarot deck and I always pull it at random. Last night was the six of swords. I was very happy with this card because it signifies a change in direction, the right direction, away from stress. I found this interesting because yesterday I decided to do something about a money situation I have been avoiding. My mom and my best friend are going to help me out and I am moving in the right direction. I felt like a loser at first but I know that this is what I need to do. I am lucky to have people who can help me.

so it goes

"I wish I were passionate and lost in something right now that wasn't real. Instead I feel unsteady and lost in everything real. That was a weird sentence but I am sticking by it."

This was taken from an email to my bestie and even though it makes little sense... it is exactly how I feel.

Lunchroom talk right now is making me aggrivated.. I don't care about stove top stuffing... I just don't. Does that make me a bad person? My soup is yummy but my lunch looks so lame. Homemade soup, string cheese and yogurt. For breakfast... a whole wheat, low fat english muffin with a little butter. meh. I wish I didn't have to try to lose weight. It would be a dream.

connect the dots la la lala

looks like a parsnip

tastes like a radish... the answer: a daikon radish. An interesting root vegetable that hails from Japan, though my first introduction was through our local farmer's market. Strange.

We made stew... well more like soup. It was ok. But I like my new friend daikon. He is tasty.

Mario time.

GUITAR SOLOOOOOOO

I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high...

Sometimes classic rock seeps into my soul and I feel happy! Beyond happy. I have always found music to be such a part of me...It brings out emotions that I have never felt from anything else. I get lost in it. Some people have that happen with books, TV, video games... for me, music. It can take me so far from everything. It is my escape.

Anyhoo... what up?

I am having dinner with my mom tonight and I am excited. I feel like we haven't hung out in far too long. My relationship with my mother is probably not like yours. We talk about ALMOST everything and I am never afraid to tell her anything. She tries to sheild me from things in her life but I think I see more than she thinks I do. We are very alike which makes it hard for me to get away with anything. Anything that I am thinking or doing she has thought or done and seems to see right through me so I don't even bother trying to hide. My mom is a hip lady. She is fun and energetic and overall a positive in my life. One of my favorite recent mom stories is when we went out to have a couple drinks and found ourselves at a place called Liquid Blue at like 9pm dancing like it was our biznass! We were the only ones there and it was so fun.

I guess I should work now... blah

love songs

For the first time in a long time I am finding myself vulnerable. I guess the last time I felt this way was when I was pregnant. After Finn was born I put up walls around me. Keeping any emotion safe from entering my castle. Some people were able to climb over but I still had on armour. Over the past few months I have been taking my pieces off one by one letting feelings seep into my skin. Right now I feel anxious. Like I am on a tight rope and could fall at any moment breaking every bone in my body. I want my armour back on and a net under me. I need to heal, I need to feel, but I am so afraid of the hurt that comes with it. I have had enough hurt, I have felt low and rejected and I don't want to be back there so soon.

That all being sad I feel vulnerable because I am letting myself feel. Nobody is hurting me... yet.

My dreams have been so vivid and strange. Something within me is changing. Whatever it is, I seem to be fighting it tooth and nail and I am wondering if it is love. I keep talking myself out of it. I don't want it to be possible. If I love, I will get hurt.