For the first time in a long time I am finding myself vulnerable. I guess the last time I felt this way was when I was pregnant. After Finn was born I put up walls around me. Keeping any emotion safe from entering my castle. Some people were able to climb over but I still had on armour. Over the past few months I have been taking my pieces off one by one letting feelings seep into my skin. Right now I feel anxious. Like I am on a tight rope and could fall at any moment breaking every bone in my body. I want my armour back on and a net under me. I need to heal, I need to feel, but I am so afraid of the hurt that comes with it. I have had enough hurt, I have felt low and rejected and I don't want to be back there so soon.
That all being sad I feel vulnerable because I am letting myself feel. Nobody is hurting me... yet.
My dreams have been so vivid and strange. Something within me is changing. Whatever it is, I seem to be fighting it tooth and nail and I am wondering if it is love. I keep talking myself out of it. I don't want it to be possible. If I love, I will get hurt.
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I know all about the wall, about armor. It's safe. You can't get hurt that way.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering though if that's a way to live life. Someone tried to get me to lower my shield. I'm not exactly sure if it was worth it. But living in a sheltered world may not be the way to go. Maybe you got to throw caution to the wind and risk getting burned.
Or I might just be full of shit.