an apple a day keeps the sin away

That is how a patient, not knowing who was calling, answered his phone today. I found it an interesting theory though doubtful of it's accuracy.

I think I might make a new VM greeting for my phone. I think it will go something like: I you have reached my voicemail, please leave a message after the tone and remember just keep smiling! Or... just an apple a day keeps the sin away beeeeeeeeeeep

I feel loopy

hey you

How have you been? I have been MIA, sorry about that. I don't have any good excuse so why bother trying.

Change is all around me. I like it. It is stressful when change starts to happen, but it is much needed and when the process has finished it will be for the good. The changes taking place in my life right now will be great.

After much back and forth I have decided to go back to my maiden name. Every time I signed my name it felt like a lie. I just am not that person. I am slowly transitioning all my correspondance back to the name I was given and it feels kind of liberating.

I am about to move to a new apartment. I have never lived by myself before so this is a huge deal but I think I will be happy! I think it is the next step in moving on, growing. I need this experience.

I have to go back to work... bleck

and that's the truth pfffffft

There is a song that plays on the radio a bunch of times a day. It is called Marry Me I think and I have no idea who it is by and I don't care to know. When it comes on though it has this calming effect on me. Suddenly I am sitting next to a babbling brook on a perfect weather day.

It is 5:01 and I am still at work. yep...

cat scratch fever

I was kind of half asleep... not sure what woke me up perhaps I could sense the impending doom that was about to land on my face. Koopa is a strange cat. He has never had a very good sense of balance and when he runs, something just looks... off. The vet never seems to be worried so I just accept the fact that physically and emotionally my cat is special. He rarely leaves my room because there are two other cats here that are very dominant and Koop likes to make love not war. Ever since my other cat died he just hasn't been the same. He is happy to snuggle and be petted, he just doesn't want to leave my room which makes giving him enough love an affection difficult. So back to my story. Koopa, in typical fashion, is getting restless for me to wake up. He is walking across my pillows to me to nuzzle my head and purr loudly in my ear. I know it is coming. What I don't anticipate is a loss of balance by my less than graceful cat and a big angry, scrambling for dear life paw in my face. Not just my face but more specifically my eye. I know have a mean red scratch starting under my eye which ends at about the middle of the bridge of my nose. He also managed to get a claw in down near my nose. Thank goodness my eye was shut. So 5am wake up call...awesome. I am glad it isn't picture day at school.

1.2.3 4.5.6. that's how the numbers go

Finn is currently sitting in our favorite chair sans diaper. I am nervous. He is refusing to wear one, not that I couldn't hold him down and put one on him but we have been talking a lot about being a big boy and using the potty and though I don't think he is quite ready, I want to establish some trust between us. He says he will not pee or poop on anything but when I ask him if he will tell me when he has to pee he says no. hmmm what to do. Oh I know.. a blog entry

Today I am exhausted. I slept pretty badly I guess. My back hurts.. blah blah boo hoo

....pee on the floor. Saw that one coming. Diaper is back on. It is a slow process and we are on our way

It is weird isn't it?

The past couple days I have had some blah days. My life is about to change again which isn't a bad thing. I hate being stagnant. I love change.... though it can provoke a lot of anxiety and. I do feel a bit overwhelmed.

I am on the move again. Looking for a new apartment and I had no idea it would be this difficult. Did you know that people don't really put ads in the paper anymore??

I am excited for the next chapter. I am ready for it. Open arms.

Other than the move I have been struggling a bit with some things in my life... things that are kind of affecting my relationship. Having a child and being "single" is really strange. I don't know how to do it and I don't know how to have an Ex who has to be so involved. I know that from the outside my life looks strange. Even for someone who has experience with divorce with children. It isn't often that the mother and father are still amicable. I am not sure how to resolve certain things in my life yet but I at least know there are things that I need to maybe look at and see from other points of view. I don't mean to be so cryptic but I am just not ready to put it all out there for my readers to see. Just know I am a work in progress and I am still learning how to be a mother, an ex and a girlfriend.

On that note... time for a run with the beau! squuueeeel

out out damn spot

I saw my mother's name change colors on the board and my stomach sank. She is in the operating room and I am out here just waiting to get word it is done and all is well. It is weird having roles reversed. Notht hat she actually lets me take care of her but still... I am the one sitting in a waiting room worrying... I am used to being the patient as I have had my fair share of health problems. It is a bit surreal. I know the outcome will be fine but what do you do with yourself and your thoughts while you wait to make sure. I think that I now know what my mom felt like when she couldn't be in the room with me for certain medical procedures including the birth of my son. You feel helpless as the outsider and even though you wouldn't change anything by physically being in the room with someone you still want to be there. I have been keeping myself plenty distracted between my family members who are here and the internets and text messages. I checked out some tattoo pics online, spent more time on facebook this morning than in the last three months and snuck in some ENews daily. I love waiting rooms that have cable and people who don't care if I watch crap. It seems like an eternity since I got here this morning. It has been almost three hours but I feel like it have been a full work day. Mercy cafeteria food isn't half bad. I had a breakfast sandwich. I would say it was a step up from a gas station sandwich haha, but no where near Mr Bagel. mmmm Ok... my attention span is gone.

oh da dear

oops I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game.

I am so sorry I mislead you in thinking I would be posting often... I should have known and you should have too, that I rarely live up to my own expectations.

I have been thinking about writing a lot as of late, but it was not enough to motivate me to actually sit down at the computer. It took some prompting from my beloved Guak to get me here.

I kind of thought that one day my mom would call me with news that she had some sort of cancer. It seems to be like the common cold in my family. No matter how much you think you expect it, when it happens, you aren't ready. I played it cool. No biggie...Then went in the bathroom and wet my cheeks. I am not a crier. I mean... sure who can't get teary eyed when they are touched by something or with sad or happy news? But to full on cry is rare and even more rarely done anywhere but my bedroom. It isn't an advanced stage at all. Only stage one breast cancer and seems, fingers crossed, to be contained and fairly easy to take care of in the grand scheme of things.

I walked into Mercy Breast Care center. I was the first to arrive and felt a bit nervous, but it is pretty typical that I am the first to arrive as I get anxious about being late. I had a seat and sat as quiet as a mouse. The 1990's boombox next to me was playing country. I believe the song was called Red Neck Yacht Club. I was kind of entertained but kind of enraged at the same time. How dare they play country music at a doctor's office and not just any office, one that may have fatal consequences. I feel dance music would be more appropriate... no dogs, mothers, or children dying in those songs... unless you are listening to Eminem. The first woman who walked in was not my mother. She was exactly what everyone pictures when they think of a woman who has breast cancer. A plump face probably from steroids or other medications, no hair most likely from chemo. She was wearing a fleecey warm head wrap. She was very sweet with a good sense of humor. When the rest of my mom's entourage showed up we were all very antsy and trying to make light of the reason we were there. My mom was nervous and rightly so. She lost her mother to cancer about when she was my age. She took care of her in her last days. Fortunately there are many things different about my Nana's circumstances as she was far from a pillar of good health.

My mother has an energy of nobody else. When she walks in the room you know it, not because she is necessarily loud or attention getting but there is just something about her. She is easy to talk to, non judgmental and caring but also really fun! There are things about my mom that I will never understand and I am ok with that. I haven't always been but I think I kind of understand her reasons for secrecy. She is a protector and an amazing caregiver. Now it is my turn to be those things to her as much as she will let me.

The appointment went pretty well and we learned some useful information. My mother will not likely need chemo. She will not likely be all too sick from medications and radiation. This will be another experience and like all others we will jump, twirl and dance our way through it the best we can.

suck a duck

I just typed up a very long entry and then it dissapeared. I am now frustrated and jaded.. Maybe someday I will repost my first attempt... it was pretty good and involved poop. Oh well.. screw you Blogger!

mother nature, you cold hearted bitch

It is snowing. Really? Yesterday time and temp read 69. Today... snow.

Iced coffee. Go big or go home.

obligations

I feel like I should be posting something.. hmmm

I am about to eat pasta for breakfast.. I wonder why I am currently at a stand still with my weight loss. I can't figure it out. Zumba tonight though and then a cool Clash vs Ramones show at Port City with a lot of my favorite people.

America doesn't run on Dunkin... I am pretty sure anyone who eats Dunkin Donuts on a regular basis isn't doing much running.

The doc I work for has had a plant since I started working for him.... about 3 years. I have since named him Simon and it seems to be my job to nurse him back to health whenever the boss forgets to water him. He is currently sitting in front of my thriving. I talk to him, water him and pet his leaves. I am going to, once again, try to convince the plant killer to leave Simon with me and not tuck him away in his office to be forgotten.

feels like the first time

For the first time in a long time I feel happy. Truly happy. I feel confident, sexy and healthy. It is amazing. When I am happy I have less to write about but I am not complaining.

Crazy weather freaks me out. I always feel like it is doomsday, like I should call all the people I love and hear their voices one last time. Right now it is 40' sunny and snowing.

Brown sugar. why do you taste so good. I am officially addicted to coffee. Flavored delicious warm the core coffee. mmmmm

dangling conversations

.... if you know me at all you know how I feel about Paul Simon. He, in my mind, is a genius. A brilliant song writer, an amazing guitar player and his words are the most beautiful poetry.

Like emptyness and harmony I need someone to comfort me.... This is what his music does for me. Even more so when he has a crazy haired tall guy harmonizing with him. I could be having the worst day of my life, I hear his music and for that moment, everything is alright.

letter to Paul Simon:
Thank you Paul.. can I call you Paul? I feel like I barely know you and know you so well all at once. Your music, your voice is like an angel blowing in my ear. You sooth my soul with your sometimes witty and sometimes grim vision of the world. Your harmonies seep into my core and make me at peace with Earth. Marry me?

Bethlynne

strawberry jelly

Dear owner of the strawberry jelly in the squeeze container,

I have been enjoying your jelly for a little over a month now. I love that it comes in a neat squeeze bottle because it cuts down on the sticky mess and Lord knows I can make a sticky mess. I have been using it mostly on some straight up wheat toast but I have been known to slap it on an english muffin on occasion. I appreciate you "letting" me share in the delicious gooey goodness.

sincerely,
the jelly moocher

p.s. it is almost gone so maybe replacing it should be my responsibility but it sure would be swell if you replaced it.

procrastination

I have mastered the skills of procrastination. Stems all the way back when my mother used to ask me to clean my room and I would start with alphabetizing my bookshelf. That would take me so long that by the time I was done it would be dinner or time to go somewhere and the rest of the room would have to wait until she threatened to take something away if I didn't get to the meat and potatoes of the operation.

Today, like most days, was one big procrastination. See previous post.... yeah, car did not get inspected. I used my free time to sit on my cough, watch Glee, surf youtube for music videos and chat on facebook.

I did get up and have brunch with my favorite Guak the Moley and did the dishes so I wasn't a complete slug right?

I am sitting here with knots in my stomach for a couple different reasons. 1. Finn has a fever. I hate it when he is sick and I hate it even more when it is not my night to have him. I could have taken him but that would bring us to reason number 2 for the previously mentioned knots. 2. Henry comes home tonight from the Bahamas. Why would you have knots about that you ask? Well. I kind of drunkenly sent a fb message that... well.. I am not sure how it will be received. I have not heard from him at all today which is making me nervous. Stupid? Probably. I keep reminding myself " Bethlynne he is traveling today and has not had time to shoot you a text or a message back on fb"...right? right?

So I am listening to a Beatles mix I made. It is a valentines mix. I think my head is about to explode with Beatle juice and uncertainty. SPLAT. All over both computers which are both within arms reach. They would surely be ruined. SUN SUN SUN here is comes BOOOOOM SPLAT.... silence.

Listen, do you want a secret, do you promise not to tell whoa whoa closer.... I had a cheeseburger today. It was the first one in a long time. I think it went over well.

Your Love

Nikki Minaj... I can't help it

I am home. It is unexpected but feels good. So far I have been very productive(LIE)

Playing with my music. chatting with peeps on fb and aim

soon I will have brunch at Ruskis and then I will get my car inspected.

I WILL!

and the beat goes on

This is a slow week for me at work which I am not complaining about! It could be so much worse and I would be miserable.

I can't stop wanting to eat these days though people keep telling me I look thinner... weirdos.

I feel out of touch with my music but I just haven't felt like doing anything about it. I used to know everything old and current. Now I only know top 40 and old. I need to spend some serious time with Pandora. I keep forgetting my ear buds to listen to it at work.

upside down and inside out

in other news....

SNOW DAY... well half snow day.
Here is a poem about the state of things

Chips and dip coat my mouth
delicious goodness
Groundhog day shadow seeker
borrowed money, hopes and dreams
miss my babeski 6 days now
applebutter guakles fun
Bill Murray makes me happy
parking garages not so much.

about time sister

gurgle

14 hours after lying down I am back up on my feet. It feels good. I ate some toast and drank some water and I am feeling pretty darn close to human again. Next up a shower to wash all the sweat off... damn fevers. Though they do provide some pretty messed up dreams. I can't even begin to describe what transpired in my sleep... it involved changing identities, a kid who made things out of wood, mimsie cat at a band competition and a bunch of crap that makes even less sense.

I am feeling ok about my life at the present moment. I have made some progress on money issues. Work issues.

ok.. warm shower now

I can hear mountains ring

Try to love one another right now.

I am trying to be more efficient at work which is getting in the way of me writing blogs. I don't know why. I guess my weekend with Michelle really helped me work some things out. I love being able to talk to her, she understands me most of the time and usually has some good advice. Blog readers, you are well aware I have been struggling at work. I have come up with some possible reasons why and I think even just exploring them has helped. I don't want to be bad at my job, I don't even want to be ok at my job. I know I have potential to be a great.... well... whatever it is I am doing at that time. So I guess it boils down too... why the hell wouldn't I want to be the best. I don't like people accusing me of being lazy.. I am not lazy, I just need breaks from my work and they can vary from a blog entry to staring at the wall. I still get my work done and done well. So there!

Wednesday usually means Trivia... tonight it means Zumba. I am excited to get back into it. It has been over a month since my last class and months before that since I did it regularly. I also ordered a WII game that should help. It is a Gold Gym dance workout game.

I just had a delicious chili at lunch. I should make some. I think when I get paid on Friday I will make a chili and freeze it.

xoxo

I'll light the fire

People keep asking me what is wrong at work. I don't have an answer for them. I don't know why everyday I wake up dreading having to get dressed and come in. When did I start to dislike my job? I don't think I hate my job but perhaps I am burned out? in need of change? I have worked here for 4 years next month. I just recently came back from a tropical vacation so you would think I would be more relaxed. meh

I sat in my clean apartment last night and colored. It was the first time in a long time I have been able to sit alone and color. It felt nice. I wish I took time to do that more often. It was part of my Hello Kitty Tarot deck and I always pull it at random. Last night was the six of swords. I was very happy with this card because it signifies a change in direction, the right direction, away from stress. I found this interesting because yesterday I decided to do something about a money situation I have been avoiding. My mom and my best friend are going to help me out and I am moving in the right direction. I felt like a loser at first but I know that this is what I need to do. I am lucky to have people who can help me.

so it goes

"I wish I were passionate and lost in something right now that wasn't real. Instead I feel unsteady and lost in everything real. That was a weird sentence but I am sticking by it."

This was taken from an email to my bestie and even though it makes little sense... it is exactly how I feel.

Lunchroom talk right now is making me aggrivated.. I don't care about stove top stuffing... I just don't. Does that make me a bad person? My soup is yummy but my lunch looks so lame. Homemade soup, string cheese and yogurt. For breakfast... a whole wheat, low fat english muffin with a little butter. meh. I wish I didn't have to try to lose weight. It would be a dream.

connect the dots la la lala

looks like a parsnip

tastes like a radish... the answer: a daikon radish. An interesting root vegetable that hails from Japan, though my first introduction was through our local farmer's market. Strange.

We made stew... well more like soup. It was ok. But I like my new friend daikon. He is tasty.

Mario time.

GUITAR SOLOOOOOOO

I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high...

Sometimes classic rock seeps into my soul and I feel happy! Beyond happy. I have always found music to be such a part of me...It brings out emotions that I have never felt from anything else. I get lost in it. Some people have that happen with books, TV, video games... for me, music. It can take me so far from everything. It is my escape.

Anyhoo... what up?

I am having dinner with my mom tonight and I am excited. I feel like we haven't hung out in far too long. My relationship with my mother is probably not like yours. We talk about ALMOST everything and I am never afraid to tell her anything. She tries to sheild me from things in her life but I think I see more than she thinks I do. We are very alike which makes it hard for me to get away with anything. Anything that I am thinking or doing she has thought or done and seems to see right through me so I don't even bother trying to hide. My mom is a hip lady. She is fun and energetic and overall a positive in my life. One of my favorite recent mom stories is when we went out to have a couple drinks and found ourselves at a place called Liquid Blue at like 9pm dancing like it was our biznass! We were the only ones there and it was so fun.

I guess I should work now... blah

love songs

For the first time in a long time I am finding myself vulnerable. I guess the last time I felt this way was when I was pregnant. After Finn was born I put up walls around me. Keeping any emotion safe from entering my castle. Some people were able to climb over but I still had on armour. Over the past few months I have been taking my pieces off one by one letting feelings seep into my skin. Right now I feel anxious. Like I am on a tight rope and could fall at any moment breaking every bone in my body. I want my armour back on and a net under me. I need to heal, I need to feel, but I am so afraid of the hurt that comes with it. I have had enough hurt, I have felt low and rejected and I don't want to be back there so soon.

That all being sad I feel vulnerable because I am letting myself feel. Nobody is hurting me... yet.

My dreams have been so vivid and strange. Something within me is changing. Whatever it is, I seem to be fighting it tooth and nail and I am wondering if it is love. I keep talking myself out of it. I don't want it to be possible. If I love, I will get hurt.